Update :)

First semester is over.

I submitted all the assignments necessary (only one of them late).

I attended all but three classes (that's 10 out of 13).

I am still very nervous about failing. Coming back this year was fine. I have actually gained heaps out of going back to school for a final year and I am sure I will gain much, much more. However, if I fail this year I will not go back. I don't have it in me. I want to go to the USA, I want to continue standing on my own two feet, I want to grow up! Much to my mothers dismay I would remain at the 'nearly completed a degree' level. If I fail again I will be crushed. Last year I was crushed but I knew I had done poorly to begin with. This time I am second guessing my work because I am so scared it will happen again.

I've put on weight. Not really a big deal. Comes from the fact I have more funds available to me. I am planning to curb my junk food and spending binge as it in no way helps me meet my goals. It has been fun, but I don't want to be rich, fat and unhappy that's for sure. Just need to eat less junk food and walk to work more.

I have a new piercing. It's in the centre of my chest. It is a shiny blue gem and I love it to bits! I want more and more and more and more!

I think I'll be working at Soundwave Revolution(check it out if you dont know it http://www.soundwaverevolution.com/. That should be AMAZING but I am awaiting confirmation, so will not say anymore.

Catching up with my girlfriends (THE CREW) on Friday night. Calling All Cars have a gig at the Northcote Social Club and I cannot wait to see them again (the crew and the band). It should be a really, really fun night. The girls and I tend to go a bit crazy at CAC gigs and this should be no exception.

That's my update. Thank you to who posted the tshirt on my last blog. It's awesome! For those who didn't see it, click the following link - http://www.theshirtlist.com/no-regrets-t-shirt/

What is that? Positivity?!?!

I had a great weekend.

I went away to Warrnambool with my sister, where we indulged in room service, shopping, a spa, massages and more food than I thought I could eat! It was excellent for mind and body to get away and just chill out for a while.

It was my first ever real massage and I was very nervous about it but it was great! I felt so relaxed and wish I could get one every single day.

So, after my break from reality, I'm feeling great.

I know I need to work harder in school now. I have slacked off in the last couple of weeks. I need to find my topic for my thesis as well as finish my research project. Luckily I'm working with an excellent team mate who keeps us both on track and whom I'm hoping I get to work with in real life in the future because she is going to be one hell of a successful person!

Aside from that, I'm still trying to adjust to balancing my life. I need to schedule more time for friends and going out (believe it or not) and continue to try to manage my finances. Living with my boyfriend seems to be going smoothly and he is coping well with my day to day weirdness.

I've bought tickets to the upcoming Calling All Cars gig in June and will be going to the House Of Rock opening in a fortnight or so. I'm excited about these. Definately need to get to more gigs and things, but it's a start. Still no word on Soundwave Revolution but i hope I get to help out in someway, if not, I'm going to try and get to two. Just because their is way too many bands to see in one day!

So that's me for today. Feeling satisfied and happy. Ready for life to challenge me some more.

Change and Happiness

There's still a lot of change going on in my life.

Some of it is really great, some of it is fair sad and some of it we'll just have to wait and see how it turns out.

A lot of talking about faith has been happening lately. Either around me or in general conversation.

I have to admit that I have no faith in a higher power. I was brought up with a Christian upbringing so I believed in God until I was a teenager. Even when I questioned my Christian faith I still believed there was 'something', that 'something' like a higher power. Watching the world, doing what ever the hell you do when you're omnipotent.

It was coming out of my depression that actually brought me to the realisation that I can't believe in a higher power. When I was really bad and down, I felt like this blemish on existance, like nothing was ever going to go right for me because I wasn't 'meant' to exist.

So, I find comfort in the world just being what it is. That my actions and everyone elses affect my life, not some dude pressing magical buttons in the sky.

I guess that comes back to change. When I had faith, I had it all wrong. Like there was someone looking out for me (but doing it fucking terribly) or that I was some lesson or cruel joke. That this God who looks out for everyone else and made everyone I love so full of potential and so awesome and myself such a piece of shit. Whenever change came I either loved it, thrived on the challenge and enjoyed the drama or I crashed and couldn't cope.

Right now I'm swaying between the two poles. Part of me is loving this. A lot of the change is positive. However it has brought up a lot of past issues for me. I have weird waves of paranoia that things are going to play out for me like they have before. I've actually been dreaming about things I had long forgotten about. It's like my own issues have become nagging parasites in my brain mocking me. Feeding off my paranoia and pain. All I can do is wait it out. See my shrink, try to live my daily life. I know that I cannot predict the future, nor can I change the past. It is almost like my subconcious is acting as a self defense mechanism. Screaming at me 'learn from your mistakes. This has happened before!' Truth is though, I haven't been through anything like this before.

I haven't finished a degree.

I haven't moved in with a boyfriend.

I haven't successfully found a house to like and stay in without my big sister (since I left home)

I haven't had hope for a future I desire

I hope to achieve many things in the next year and it all means change. I'm pretty happy about it but I guess I thought I'd let my head ramble for a bit.