Change and Happiness

There's still a lot of change going on in my life.

Some of it is really great, some of it is fair sad and some of it we'll just have to wait and see how it turns out.

A lot of talking about faith has been happening lately. Either around me or in general conversation.

I have to admit that I have no faith in a higher power. I was brought up with a Christian upbringing so I believed in God until I was a teenager. Even when I questioned my Christian faith I still believed there was 'something', that 'something' like a higher power. Watching the world, doing what ever the hell you do when you're omnipotent.

It was coming out of my depression that actually brought me to the realisation that I can't believe in a higher power. When I was really bad and down, I felt like this blemish on existance, like nothing was ever going to go right for me because I wasn't 'meant' to exist.

So, I find comfort in the world just being what it is. That my actions and everyone elses affect my life, not some dude pressing magical buttons in the sky.

I guess that comes back to change. When I had faith, I had it all wrong. Like there was someone looking out for me (but doing it fucking terribly) or that I was some lesson or cruel joke. That this God who looks out for everyone else and made everyone I love so full of potential and so awesome and myself such a piece of shit. Whenever change came I either loved it, thrived on the challenge and enjoyed the drama or I crashed and couldn't cope.

Right now I'm swaying between the two poles. Part of me is loving this. A lot of the change is positive. However it has brought up a lot of past issues for me. I have weird waves of paranoia that things are going to play out for me like they have before. I've actually been dreaming about things I had long forgotten about. It's like my own issues have become nagging parasites in my brain mocking me. Feeding off my paranoia and pain. All I can do is wait it out. See my shrink, try to live my daily life. I know that I cannot predict the future, nor can I change the past. It is almost like my subconcious is acting as a self defense mechanism. Screaming at me 'learn from your mistakes. This has happened before!' Truth is though, I haven't been through anything like this before.

I haven't finished a degree.

I haven't moved in with a boyfriend.

I haven't successfully found a house to like and stay in without my big sister (since I left home)

I haven't had hope for a future I desire

I hope to achieve many things in the next year and it all means change. I'm pretty happy about it but I guess I thought I'd let my head ramble for a bit.