Blah di blah di blaaaahhh

I'm finally in my last semester of my degree!

I received a Distinction for the class I did last semester. I have 13 weeks and two classes to pass and then I will have officially finished.

Sure, I'm going to be away on the Soundwave tour for 3 of those weeks but I know I am perfectly capable of staying on top of the work.

Tomorrow night the girls and I will get together and finally plan accommodation, we kind of chilled out once all the flights were in place so now we need to get back into thinking the situation is slightly urgent...what with it being 8 weeks away and all.

I am getting my first tattoo on Friday! I am going with one of best friends so she will be able to hold my hair back if I decide to freak out and vomit. I do however think it will go well and promise to post photos on here when it has healed. It is only going to be small but I think the mood takes me I will be inspired to have a masterpiece created on my arm but lets not let me get ahead of myself. My first tattoo is actually two small tattoos. One that means a very large amount to me and the other one means nothing. The more visible one is the one that means nothing. I have made that choice because I want something just for me. People do judge whether we like it or not and I don't want to feel the need to explain anything.

'what does your tattoo mean?'

'nothing, i just like it'

Too easy.

Well, there is my rant for now.

Thanks for reading.

UPDATE...UPDate...Update...update..

Wow, I haven't actually posted in so long.

So, what is going on...

I have been preparing to go on the whole tour for Soundwave Revolution! It's very exciting, I have a position with heaps of responsibility and I get to do it with some of my best friends!

It is more money than I have ever spent on an 'experience' before, which means that I have been working my butt off. However, this is something I really want and will be totally worth it.

To earn the money to take this adventure on, I have been working heaps. Way more than I have in my life. I have been doing 90 hour fortnights, night shift and getting very little sleep. I have no savings to show for it, but I have found out that the more I work, the more I care about my job. I have taken to helping improving the morale in my department, writing processes and procedures and other extra tasks that I don't HAVE to do but keep me interested and focused.

It looks like I will be heading to Bali next year as well! I am very excited about this as I will be using my annual leave to go ON HOLIDAY, not to study or work for free somewhere else! hahaha.

Yes, this means there is a great giant hole where my saving for interning in the USA should be. I have been thinking about it a lot. I think I still will be able to save for it and do everything else I want to do, such as Bali, Soundwave Revolution, move house and find a different job. I mean, why the hell not. I think I am just going to continue with this life and live it the way I want to.

I have given up on going out every weekend. It's weird, I missed it at first, but now I realise I can afford to have more in life than just waking up feeling like shit on a Sunday morning. It's crazy to settle down, but at the same time it means I can lead a more fulfilling and exciting life, rather than living weekend to weekend.

Oh dear.. I can't be bothered reading what I just wrote it feels THAT ranty and nonsensical....

I'll check back and fix it later...

but thanks for reading!

Sorry for the delay

New super exciting, super fun post coming soon!

Update :)

First semester is over.

I submitted all the assignments necessary (only one of them late).

I attended all but three classes (that's 10 out of 13).

I am still very nervous about failing. Coming back this year was fine. I have actually gained heaps out of going back to school for a final year and I am sure I will gain much, much more. However, if I fail this year I will not go back. I don't have it in me. I want to go to the USA, I want to continue standing on my own two feet, I want to grow up! Much to my mothers dismay I would remain at the 'nearly completed a degree' level. If I fail again I will be crushed. Last year I was crushed but I knew I had done poorly to begin with. This time I am second guessing my work because I am so scared it will happen again.

I've put on weight. Not really a big deal. Comes from the fact I have more funds available to me. I am planning to curb my junk food and spending binge as it in no way helps me meet my goals. It has been fun, but I don't want to be rich, fat and unhappy that's for sure. Just need to eat less junk food and walk to work more.

I have a new piercing. It's in the centre of my chest. It is a shiny blue gem and I love it to bits! I want more and more and more and more!

I think I'll be working at Soundwave Revolution(check it out if you dont know it http://www.soundwaverevolution.com/. That should be AMAZING but I am awaiting confirmation, so will not say anymore.

Catching up with my girlfriends (THE CREW) on Friday night. Calling All Cars have a gig at the Northcote Social Club and I cannot wait to see them again (the crew and the band). It should be a really, really fun night. The girls and I tend to go a bit crazy at CAC gigs and this should be no exception.

That's my update. Thank you to who posted the tshirt on my last blog. It's awesome! For those who didn't see it, click the following link - http://www.theshirtlist.com/no-regrets-t-shirt/

What is that? Positivity?!?!

I had a great weekend.

I went away to Warrnambool with my sister, where we indulged in room service, shopping, a spa, massages and more food than I thought I could eat! It was excellent for mind and body to get away and just chill out for a while.

It was my first ever real massage and I was very nervous about it but it was great! I felt so relaxed and wish I could get one every single day.

So, after my break from reality, I'm feeling great.

I know I need to work harder in school now. I have slacked off in the last couple of weeks. I need to find my topic for my thesis as well as finish my research project. Luckily I'm working with an excellent team mate who keeps us both on track and whom I'm hoping I get to work with in real life in the future because she is going to be one hell of a successful person!

Aside from that, I'm still trying to adjust to balancing my life. I need to schedule more time for friends and going out (believe it or not) and continue to try to manage my finances. Living with my boyfriend seems to be going smoothly and he is coping well with my day to day weirdness.

I've bought tickets to the upcoming Calling All Cars gig in June and will be going to the House Of Rock opening in a fortnight or so. I'm excited about these. Definately need to get to more gigs and things, but it's a start. Still no word on Soundwave Revolution but i hope I get to help out in someway, if not, I'm going to try and get to two. Just because their is way too many bands to see in one day!

So that's me for today. Feeling satisfied and happy. Ready for life to challenge me some more.

Change and Happiness

There's still a lot of change going on in my life.

Some of it is really great, some of it is fair sad and some of it we'll just have to wait and see how it turns out.

A lot of talking about faith has been happening lately. Either around me or in general conversation.

I have to admit that I have no faith in a higher power. I was brought up with a Christian upbringing so I believed in God until I was a teenager. Even when I questioned my Christian faith I still believed there was 'something', that 'something' like a higher power. Watching the world, doing what ever the hell you do when you're omnipotent.

It was coming out of my depression that actually brought me to the realisation that I can't believe in a higher power. When I was really bad and down, I felt like this blemish on existance, like nothing was ever going to go right for me because I wasn't 'meant' to exist.

So, I find comfort in the world just being what it is. That my actions and everyone elses affect my life, not some dude pressing magical buttons in the sky.

I guess that comes back to change. When I had faith, I had it all wrong. Like there was someone looking out for me (but doing it fucking terribly) or that I was some lesson or cruel joke. That this God who looks out for everyone else and made everyone I love so full of potential and so awesome and myself such a piece of shit. Whenever change came I either loved it, thrived on the challenge and enjoyed the drama or I crashed and couldn't cope.

Right now I'm swaying between the two poles. Part of me is loving this. A lot of the change is positive. However it has brought up a lot of past issues for me. I have weird waves of paranoia that things are going to play out for me like they have before. I've actually been dreaming about things I had long forgotten about. It's like my own issues have become nagging parasites in my brain mocking me. Feeding off my paranoia and pain. All I can do is wait it out. See my shrink, try to live my daily life. I know that I cannot predict the future, nor can I change the past. It is almost like my subconcious is acting as a self defense mechanism. Screaming at me 'learn from your mistakes. This has happened before!' Truth is though, I haven't been through anything like this before.

I haven't finished a degree.

I haven't moved in with a boyfriend.

I haven't successfully found a house to like and stay in without my big sister (since I left home)

I haven't had hope for a future I desire

I hope to achieve many things in the next year and it all means change. I'm pretty happy about it but I guess I thought I'd let my head ramble for a bit.

Working like I've never worked before

Well...

My posting has become slack hasn't it?

Currently I am working. Yup. That's about it.

I now know that I still hate having to get up in the morning every day.

However, I am loving taking on new challenges at the moment. I am taking shifts anywhere I can in my current workplace, which means I end up working in different departments on almost a daily basis. It's great meeting other co workers and managers. Seeing their working style and finding out how my whole store works. Sure, I'm not going to be working there forever, but I may as well enjoy it since I'm spending a large chunk of my life there at the moment.

The working all the time, definately fits in with the original goal I mentioned in my first blogs. In about a months time I should be debt free! This is very exciting, especially considering the massive changes my life is currently going through.

My boyfriend obtained a position at my store as well so he is moving in with me. I have never lived with a boyfriend before so it will definately be a learning experience for the both of us. We will also be looking for our own place to move into early next year, so save, save, save we must!

So, if I don't blog for the next few weeks, you can assume that I am working, working, working.

Disturbed is on the 24th so hopefully I will have a lot to say about that!

Cheers for reading, if you have any questions or suggestions of what to write about feel free to comment below!

Searching for something to look forward to...

So,

I haven't posted in nearly a month.

My excuse is I got really sick. I didn't feel I had anything interesting to write about and this leads me to this weeks post.

Post festival blues!

The entire month of February and beginning of March for me entirely revolved around Soundwave, I thought about little else and I never wanted it to end. Then I got really sick, which really meant waiting to return to the real world for a few more weeks.

Finally, last Friday came along and I was feeling 100% physically but suddenly had an emotional break down. Oh...this IS my real life.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing at the moment. I know that I need to take on more work, save money and pay my debts so I can look to the future some more. I need to study hard and catch up with my family and friends when I can.

I am having trouble feeling motivated though. I kind of feel like I'm trying to walk through really thick mud. Dry land is appearing a mirage, which means it's in the distance but a lot further than I can see.

I really need to find something to look forward to but I'm not really sure how to motivate myself.

Now to all those who know me, do not think I am down playing your awesome and wonderful support. I know that you are all here for me and would help in anyway you can. I just wish I knew what that was.

I guess this is a low point, which means I can only build from here.

Just gotta find my mojo somewhere...

Soundwave...WHAT A WEEK!!!

I didn't do a post last week because I was in Sydney, working at the Soundwave festival.

My job was to bring the bands their drinks and food to their dressing rooms. The drinks and food is called the bands rider.

In the interest of the fact I want to work in the industry I will not divulge anything I think needs to be kept private or the operations of Soundwave festival but I can tell you I had a great time.

Highlights of Sydney include, meeting Dez from Devil Driver and discovering he is as nice as everyone says. I liked the band before and now I love them, the shameful thing is that I didn't get to see them perform.

I watched Bullet For My Valentine play in Sydney and the crowd went off! Would have loved to have been in the mosh but I needed to look presentable for my shift back stage. The lead singer had a sore throat so he had the singer of Rise To Remain sing a few songs but it did not take any of the energy from the crowd. It was awesome to finally see them live, then meet them back stage and discover they are also very nice lads. Bonus was I got a plectrum from the band!

Murderdolls were also a very charming band. They were very polite and kind to me and my friends (who were working with me) and I fell in love with them.

We went to the Stone Sour and Coheed and Cambria sideshow in Sydney on the Monday night and it was awesome! Coheed and Cambria were great live, I just wish they could have been on stage longer.

Stone Sour were even better at their sideshow then at Soundwave, I think they may have felt more comfortable with a dedicated audience, played all the favourites and got us into the mosh for a few songs.

Tuesday and Wednesday consisted of real life. I gave my niece her birthday present for her first birthday on Tuesday (which she didn't like at the time, but I'm told she is no longer afraid of it).

Wednesday was a day of school and work, which isn't really notable except my exhaustion was apparent and I look forward to my boss changing my shifts so I no longer work Wednesday nights.

Thursday was the Rob Zombie and Murderdolls sidewave and it was an awesome show. Murderdolls were really great, I was really glad I made it in time to see them and didn't even care if Rob Zombie was good or not. However, Rob Zombie blew me away. The entire stage show combined with the energy from the band and Rob Zombie himself was beyond words. Three encores and finishing on a crowd sing along to Dragula left me very pumped and not looking forward to bed, I was in the mood to party!!

That was until I got home at 1am to discover I needed to be at the showgrounds around 7.30am. So two hours sleep later, a drive to my friends house and a ride from her dad, landed me at Soundwave Melbourne.

My roles were more varied from Sydney, I led the gate volunteers to the gate, helped with guest lists, of course delivered riders, drove the trolleys and helped out in the signing tent. I felt a lot more comfortable to offer a hand in Melbourne as I was more familiar with the supervisors. I felt that I made a better impression in Melbourne too. I WORKED MY BUTT OFF!! Which also coincidentally included me falling on my butt if front of a bunch of bands.

On the TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms) front, I did manage to catch up with Chris and Jason in Sydney, we hung with them for a bit and got photos taken. I wish we could've spent more time with them but we were very busy with our shifts. Which meant no picking their brains about internships but I do feel like they know me better now.

This has been somewhat of a scattered post in my eyes but the outcome of Soundwave has definately been a reinforcement of my love for everything music! I want to continue working with live music and rock music in all forms. I was worried I would be disillusioned but I'm anything but. Looking forward to my next adventure. I have to find an internship for later in the year, to pass school, so here's hoping I get something awesome.

Thanks for reading.

Having a dream is hard work

A friend of mine said to me that she could not compromise nor give up on her dreams for anyone or anything because she loves herself and her dreams too much to put them aside. Don't judge her from that statement, she is a beautiful person and has pretty much taught me how to be a good friend. She is the reason I got to work for TWLOHA last year and am now working for Soundwave this year.

However, I was affected by the statement because it made me question my priorities. Am I compromising on my dreams for other people, material goods or anything else? Could I be doing more to achieve what I want? Am I failing myself?

My life is fuller than it has ever been. I live with my amazing and inspirational big sister whom has decided we should high five each other - tag team style - when ever we see one another because her life is busier than mine. I have a boyfriend who lives an hour away from me, my best friends from Tafe who I have to organise to see now we have separate lives since they finished, a large chunk of my family now live in the same state as me, I have school, I have work and I still see my therapist once a fortnight.

I am so grateful for my family, friends and boyfriend. They are the people who bring me back to earth during times where I question myself. I have surrounded myself with people who are supportive of my dreams to be successful in the music industry, this blog and my goal to work for TWLOHA. It's these people who bring me out of my self-doubting moods and show me what I have to be grateful for.

I didn't always surround myself with people who had as much faith in me or the world. They would tell me that people like me don't get to do 'those things' or that it was pointless to try. Having mini freak outs as I have this week, help me to reassess where I am at and this week it showed me I am better than ever.

On another note next weeks post will probably be late. I will be in Sydney next weekend for Soundwave and have a busy week after with school, a birthday, Sidewaves and Melbournes Soundwave. However, this means that it should be filled with the awesome details of the biggest week of my life so far.

I'm not a grown up yet...

Volunteering for Soundwave so far has been a very fun experience.

The people I am working with are very nice and being able to work alongside a friend always makes things way more pleasant. I spent the week doing admin duties.

The only thing that is getting me down is my age. I know I am still young but there are people who are at my level starting out in the industry much younger than me. Many have more experience than me.

I tend to forget my age, mainly because it doesn't matter to me. I have friends of all ages, my boyfriend is 20, my sister whom is also my flatmate is 30.

I just have to remind myself why I am here and that if I show how passionate I am, people aren't going to judge me for my age but for what I can do.

The exciting part of the week is that I have my tickets booked to and from Sydney so I will definitely be able to make it to work there for Soundwave!

When it comes to going to America next year, I have a small cheque that will be arriving to me by mail. When that comes, it will be the opening for my savings account that I plan to only deposit money into until next year. I think I will be able to sort out my credit history once Soundwave is over. Currently Soundwave is taking the chunk of my earnings that doesn't go on cigarettes or living essentials but it's worthwhile in my eyes.

I've added buttons to the top of the page so the comments and posts on my blog are easier to follow, please feel free to comment any suggestions you have or if you enjoy my blog share it with your friends.

I have a long way to go on this journey and am finding it very easy to be distracted by the allure of instant gratification that comes with shopping for things I like rather than saving for this dream I want. Any comments of encouragement will also be received with much gratitude.

Wishing you well this week.

Thanks for reading!

Soundwave Festival Looms! :D

Things certainly are getting busy this month!

I am volunteering for the Soundwave Festival which has HEAPS of amazing bands playing, such as:

Iron Maiden

Queens Of The Stone Age

Slayer

Primus

Bullet For My Valentine

Devil Driver

The Ataris

Less Than Jake

Coheed and Cambria and lots more.

My friends and I are privileged enough to be doing some admin duties with the team this week, working back stage in Sydney and working crowd care in Melbourne. This means free entry to both Sydney and Melbourne and we might just bump into some rock stars!

I am also hoping to rendezvous with the guys from To Write Love On Her Arms at these events. We have organised that I will help out with the tent in Melbourne but my friend Kendall and I may be working for them in Adelaide as well. I have absolutely no issue with going to three Soundwave Festival Festivals.

Working for To Write Love On Her Arms will be an excellent opportunity to quiz them about the internship. Both of the lovely young lads who are attending Soundwave Festival this year were once interns and they should be able to give me an idea on what it would entail and how much money I'm really going to need for my stay. Also maybe get some expert tips on how to get accepted!

I've been talking to almost anyone about what I plan to do next year. I have been given some excellent encouragement but not enough people know enough about the charity to understand why I want to go. Please check out http://www.twloha.com/vision/ for a comprehensive description of what TWLOHA is all about.

Looking forward to all the exciting things that are going to happen this month. With much more to come.

Cheers for reading!

Libs

New Beginnings Born Of Hope and Rehabilitation

When I was just about to turn 20, I was diagnosed with depression. I wasn't surprised. I had no idea what to do with my life. I thought my existence was a mistake. I believed that no matter what I tried I would fail.

The past five years have been a recovery from the darkness that is depression. I have been through some of the worst and hardest times of my life. I have also been through the best times of my life. I had no idea that I could be as happy as i have discovered I can be. I have become part of the world, with much help of a great cognitive therapist, an amazing support network, and finding a new way to follow my dreams.

This is where you find me:

I am 25 years old.

I'm finishing my Bachelor of Applied Business in Music Industry (A business degree).

Next year I want to become a summer intern for To Write Love On Her Arms located in the USA.

I have absolutely no savings, I do not know if I will be accepted into the program and I need to clear up my credit history due to flat mates who didn't pay their bills.

I have a dream that seems nearly unachievable for me at this point in my life. This is the first time I've decided on a goal for myself, that has an ultimate time limit. I'm going to have to do some kind of fundraising, a lot of working and be really strict on myself when it comes to spending.

I am absolutely scared out of my mind.

It doesn't seem like a big deal reading this over but for me, wow, I've decided I'm going to plan how to live my life.

When I was a teenager I used to tell people that I was going to kill myself when I turned 21. They thought I was kidding. I wasn't. I couldn't see any value in living past 21. In becoming an adult.

It wasn't until I was 22 when I proved myself wrong. I started my degree. It has been one of the most fulfilling and life affirming things I have ever undertaken in my life.

I started as an unhappy, self harming, isolated, hopeless, unmotivated person. I now have friends. I have learned how to do and be part of activities that I thought only rich kids and rock stars got to do. I have been taught by very inspirational teachers and I have learned how to exist like a human being with life left to live.

Following updates will include more about TWLOHA, the internship program, my life and anything else that I feel needs to be in here, as well as updates on my progress towards getting to America!

Cheers for reading,

Libs